She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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