Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
