:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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