very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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