If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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