Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
why do cheetos always look like penises
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
