Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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