I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
