the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
