rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
