My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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