It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
