My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
