Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
