can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
