My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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