And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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