Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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