it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
