you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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