I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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