Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
