I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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