dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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