I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
