letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
