Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize