So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
