I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
