i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize