I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
