When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm both gender and math confused
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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