i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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