she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Someone signed my nipple.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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