Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
