Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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