my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize