I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
