i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
