I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
