Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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