he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
