Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
