I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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