Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
