Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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