Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
