We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
