so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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