i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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