Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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