I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So much Jack, so little girl.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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