He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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