One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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