i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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