(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
