accomplished twins. life is a go
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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